Scared? Saddle Up Anyway...

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
― John Wayne

John Wayne is one of my favorite cowboys of all time. Maybe it’s because I’m a Texas girl but I just love everything he stood for. Jake’s dad and I both admired John Wayne so much we named our only child after one of his movies- “Big Jake”. In my world, names mean something and my son has done very well to live into the weight of that name. He is fierce and amazing. He takes on challenges just like this quote by John Wayne says, “scared to death but saddles up anyway.” I’d like to say he learned that from me, but that’s not the case. You see, for most of my young adult life I battled severe anxiety. Anxiety kept me shackled in a mental prison for so long I was agoraphobic and there was a long stretch of my journey that I couldn’t even leave my own home. 

Daily to do’s that most people take for granted like running to the grocery store or going to pick up a gift, even picking up Jake from school was terrifying for me. I thought I’d have a panic attack in front of people and pass out. Worse yet, I really believed I would die. It was such a hard time for me. I stopped doing all the things I enjoy like playing tennis and spending time with my friends. I literally quit living for fear of dying. I finally decided to get help and see someone. The psychologist explained that I was like a squid. Squid shoot ink to create clouds in the water to protect them from predators, except I would shoot ink because I was afraid of being afraid. 

At first, I decided I’d get on medication to help quell the anxiety. So, I began taking an anti-depressant. Honestly, I took it for about 6 months but then I felt as if I was simply “masking” my anxiety instead of taking practical steps to deal with it. My doctor and I thought it was ok to taper down and them completely stop my anti anxiety drug. After all, I was literally taking a half of a half so for me it was more mental than physical. Now, for some people, it is completely a chemical imbalance and the need for medication is much the same as being diabetic and needing insulin. So please don’t misunderstand me. For me though, I knew most of my problem was allowing fear to arrest me and I was ready to break free. 

I remember countless nights calling the crisis center hotline. Such sweet patient people. I’m sure they all learned my voice after a while. I’d call in with the same story night after night. “I’m dying, I can’t breathe, my throat is closing, and on and on and on..” The staff would always say the same thing in the most patient voice, “take a deep breath, try to center yourself, you’re going to be ok..” till one fateful night…They must have been so done with me calling every night like clockwork. I called in and went through my usual routine and the operator on the other side said, “if you think you’re going to die, why don’t you just die already?” Wait a minute, what did she just say? Where’s the compassion? Why isn’t she giving in to my anxiety? Then it hit me, if they’re sick and tired of me, shouldn’t I be sick and tired of me too? Granted, not the response for someone calling in, but I needed that kick in the pants that night. Then and there I realized my anxiety could be a springboard instead of a death wish. I decided right then and there my life would change. I made the choice to live instead of believing I was dying. That one choice led to the rest of my life being filled with passion. I realized anxiety is the same as adrenaline when you’re excited about something, it’s just the negative face of it. 

I began reflecting on the past two years of my life. Yes, two years folks and I realized that I had not lived. Living used to be terrifying for me. So, I decided that if we only get one chance to swing, I want to swing for the fences! I also knew, that I would cheer everyone on when it’s their turn at bat. Even for those who believe they have been sentenced to the “sidelines” or who are more comfortable “riding the pine”, I will do everything I can to encourage, edify and excite so that they too can see that it’s not all that scary to give it a go. Please hear me when I say there were plenty of days when I had to “fake it till I make it” and I may have been having a conversation with you at the same time that the adrenaline was pounding my heart right out of my chest. What I finally had to realize was my fear was much smaller than I made it out to be. What was the worst that could happen anyway? I’d pass out and then come back to, if I were that riddled with anxiety I probably needed the little break anyway…Ha! It’s certainly not that it never happens anymore, but I’ve learned to ask myself questions like “why am I feeling this way?” “What am I noticing that’s happening to my body?” Those questions give it more of an external perspective rather than allowing me to spark a wildfire of emotion. 

I hope this article encouraged some of you who struggle with anxiety or any kind of debilitating emotion like that. What I really wanted to convey is our mind is very powerful. It can be our biggest ally making us feel fearless or it can be our greatest enemy leading us into a battle that isn’t ours to fight. So take heart friends, it looks like it’s your turn at bat, so gird yourself with courage and saddle up anyway...

What % is your potential?

If you’ve read my writing for any amount of time, you’ll know that I’m a huge fan of living into our fullest potential. I believe in showing up and evolving to be the very best us we can be. Maybe its the optimist in me and the cheerleader but for that reason I love watching shows like Extreme Weight Loss. The physical transformations blow my mind! I suppose because it’s something we can “see”. If we make changes to how we function emotionally or how we process things, they aren’t so evident but transformation happens none the less. Then it occurred to me, in order for a physical transformation to happen, you must have a mental shift first. You have to agree with yourself that you are willing to make the changes necessary to see your goal realized. 

When someone wants a physical transformation to occur, they have to make certain changes. You have to set goals. You have to adjust your schedule to make room for these disciplines. It must be measured. It’s re-wiring your mind so that you can adjust your thinking for this journey. It’s the prep that goes into it. It’s telling those around you, you’ll be working through making some changes and ask for their patience and support. Finally and most important, it’s making the decision that there is no turning back, you’re burning your ship to make it happen. It’s go time and that’s all there is to it. 

So, last night I watched Extreme Weight Loss. This beautiful brave woman started out at 320 pounds. She was having health problems, emotional problems and just the day to day struggles of carrying around this extra weight. It’s a 4 phase year program that she went through and I really appreciated it because only the 1st phase is done with the trainer. After that the person has to learn to make it theirs. She had to be able to go home and still have her “normal” life. She had to learn how to integrate her new regimen into her typical day. She had to learn to balance who she was with who she wanted to be. She would meet with the trainers at the end of each phase to weigh in. She failed to make her goals for the 2nd and 3rd phase. She was going through some emotional struggles and her old habits sucked her in. The end of her 3rd phase though she competed in a half iron man triathlon. This was a woman who hadn’t been on a bike since she was 12 years old! She began training for a 1.5 mile swim, half marathon run and a 56 mile bike ride. In the half iron man, if you’re not within the time parameters for the events, they pull you. This is not a finish when you finish event. She did it! She completed it just shy of the 8 hours allotted for the event! I was so proud of this woman I’ve never met before! Not only that but her phase 4 weigh in she met her goal and for the first time in her adult life of thirty something she was under 200 pounds. She had lost nearly 150 pounds in a year’s time. 

The most striking thing that touched my heart as I watched this show was her trainer telling her during the Half Iron Man, “most people live up to only 50 percent of their potential”. Wow. Does that mean we’re only half living? That really blew my mind and disturbed me deeply all at the same time. It reminded me of a quote I read once by William James, “Most people live in a very restricted circle of their potential being. They make use of a very small portion of their possible consciousness, and of their soul’s resources in general, much like a man who, out of his whole organism should get into a habit of using and moving only his little finger.” So, I wonder what is the equivalent for a mental “Iron Man” that we must train ourselves for? What I’ve realized is we can become very comfortable, myself included, in doing things the same way over and over. We can make changes but revert back to what we know, like cheating on a diet. We cheat on our discipline for a new outlook or an improved thought process. If we could somehow measure our new found habits for being better organized or maybe learning to relate to others well, or wanting to get in better physical shape--what would that look like? What daily exercises would you have to take part in to create a new habit? 

I do not want to live as though I can only use my little finger, I want to use my whole being. Everyone in my life from my work family to my family at home, to my peers and all the others I come in to contact with deserve my "very best me" operating to the fullest of my potential. Aren’t you the least bit curious to see what that looks like? If you would’ve told this contestant on Extreme Weight Loss the year before she’d be participating in an Half Iron Man Triathlon, she wouldn’t have believed you, but she did it. So what is it for you that seems so utterly ridiculous? What will you set your mind to doing and burn your ship to make it happen? What does your more than 50% look like?

Do Something.

"When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, while you live and the manner in which you lives.”-Stuart Scott

This was just one quote from a very moving speech by Stuart Scott at the ESPY's as he accepted the Jimmy V Perseverance Award. For those of you unaware, Stuart has been battling cancer for the last 7 years. He has used the opportunity of having cancer to give himself a platform. How many of you had to read that sentence again or missed it all together? Yes, he has used cancer as an opportunity. Interestingly, Webster defines opportunity as a set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something. Often times I think we hear the word opportunity and immediately our mind defines that as positive- the opportunity for a better job, a bigger house, to travel somewhere…but what about the opportunity to struggle, opportunity to experience hardship, the opportunity to battle a disease like Stuart Scott. You see, the other half of the definition of opportunity is that which makes it possible to do something. That’s what Stuart’s speech did for me, he reminded me that whatever it is we’re going through we get to choose how we will “live”. We get to choose how we will face the circumstance. We get to choose what we will do because of the circumstance. The circumstance makes it possible to “do something”. 

There are two very defining moments in my life that give me the desire and passion to want to “do something” every day. One of those was my son’s father falling 25 ft onto concrete. He suffered a traumatic brain injury among other things such as a collapsed lung, bruised kidney, maxiofacial fractures, not to mention only the survival part of his brain was alert. His face was disfigured from the fractures sustained in the fall. He had to be strapped down to his bed because in that situation, it’s flight or fight for your brain. There were times he wanted to do both. The thing that saved him was being such a tremendous athlete. The doctors believed his muscles cradled his bones well or he would have suffered many more injuries. We spent several weeks in the hospital. I’ll never forget the day the doctors came into his room after we had been in the ICU for 15 days with no change. They gently told me we’d have to figure out what to do with him since he could remain like this the rest of his life. How do you respond to news like that? The things that run through your mind…I’ll tell you what I did, I yelled at him. Sounds crazy and selfish to some degree I guess. I sat there and yelled at this man that couldn’t understand a word I was saying, this man that was in his own world, this man that was the father of my precious boy. I told him he couldn’t do this to Jake, he couldn’t do this to all his students that counted on him. Believe it or not, later that day he sat up and asked, “Is this a nightmare?” The doctors couldn’t understand how he snapped out of his semi comatose state. The rest of our journey would be uphill but Jake would have his dad a part of his life again.

He had to have prisms put in his glasses because the double vision sustained from his brain injury was so bad and it would be permanent. In the end, he lost 6 months of short term memory and he had to learn all about his life again. He had to learn how to breathe on his own again, how to walk again, what year it was, who all the people were in his life. When we went home, I had to remind him daily about who he was and what he liked and didn’t like until it became his normal again. We would make daily visits to the tennis center where we ran tennis clinics. I taught him how to feed balls again and his students did their best to come sit with him so that he could “teach” them. Several years later, he’s teaching tennis again, has a great junior program and teaches several lessons every week. But we had to “do something”. The opportunity to endure a traumatic brain injury taught us something about perseverance. It made it possible for us to walk through brain injuries with others since we were familiar with all that it took from us and all that it added to our life. 

The second defining moment in my life came when I had a near death experience in a kayaking accident. The river crested that day and the kayak I was in got sucked into a tide pool. I hit my head on logs and ended up vertical under a big pile of debris several feet under water. I had a life jacket on but the strands were tangled and wrapped all through the branches. I fought so hard to try to get free so I could get to the top of the water, but it was no use. I realized I was going to die that day. I quit trying and I prayed. I asked God to forgive me for all the wrong I had done in my life and I asked Him to remind Jake every day that I love him. Then I quietly allowed the most peaceful feeling to wash over me. The next thing I knew, I woke on the side of the river. The person I was with said I floated up out of the water with arms stretched out. I had no pulse and I was under for at least 3 minutes before I popped up out of the water. I gently opened my eyes. I never spat out water and never gasped for air. Just woke as if I had been taking a nap on a lazy afternoon. I realized I was given another chance to live. I was given an opportunity to do something. So, that’s what I attempt to do everyday. I try to “live” and I try to inspire others “by the manner in which I live”. The reality is we’re all on different paths in this journey, we all face different giants in our life, the only way we get to beat them like Stuart Scott said is to not allow those things to define us. We can choose to defy the odds. We can choose to “do something”. 

Come Home With It Or On It.

In Gates of Fire, Steven Pressfield writes, “The Spartans say that any army may win while it still has legs under it; the real test comes when all strength is fled and the men must produce victory on will alone.” Know me for any length of time and you will find that I love reading about the Spartans. I appreciate the training, the discipline and the “at all costs” mentality. It fascinates me really. Consider what was “normal” for these Spartans in society. When born, if a male looked weak, he was left out to die from exposure.  At the age of 7 they were taken from their mothers and assigned to a “pack” with other boys. They were made to walk around barefoot with only a cloak for dress and learned to endure hardship. For the most part they were taught military tactics but also were exposed to reading, to poetry and the arts. At the age of 18, they were considered “adults” and assigned to a military unit. They remained constantly training for battle and all that went with it until the age of 30 when they would be sent out on military campaigns. Their mothers would give them a shield with the words “Come home with it or on it.” 

It sounds extreme doesn’t it? But for them it was normal. I wonder what our “normal” is? For most people that know me well, I’m considered “extreme” in comparison to others. I read something new just about every day. I write every day. I train my body every day through running or strength training. I strive to learn something new that adds to my life every day. I try to eat clean every day. I try to impact someone every day. My mentality is we were never given the promise that life would be easy or even comfortable, so we might as well show up and be ready for anything. 

When I began training for tennis when I was a junior, I had a coach that always pushed me to do better than I did the day before. My “good” never seemed to be good enough. It seemed I would get right to the verge of doing better and I would shrink back and whine about how hard it was. I remember being in so many matches where I was down, I’d come close to coming back and my opponent would pull away again and end up winning the match. I’ll never forget my coach talking to me after one of these matches, he said “don’t worry about it, maybe “just ok” is good enough for you”. That’s all he had to say…I thought about what he said, reflected on my training and asked myself if that’s what I thought about who I was. I made a decision to choose to be better than “just ok” and I would do whatever it took to get there. 

I trained harder, I ate better and I made a choice to cross the mental threshold in my mind to get to the next level. My opportunity came in a match that began just like those before. I was behind early, it usually took me a set to warm up. I began coming back and like clock work, my opponent went into their next gear. Normally, I would have caved. I would have stared at the mountain in front of me and thought it was too steep to climb. But, not this time. I considered my training, I thought about my fitness, I remembered all the situational sets I had played leading up to this and I decided it was worth it to fight with everything I had. It would’ve been a great ending to tell you I won the match, but I didn’t. What I gained though was the realization that I battled. I battled with my physicality and when all that was gone, I battled because I had a will to win. Though I didn’t have a w that day for beating my opponent, I had a w that day that would carry forward for the rest of my life. 

Yes, that day as I set foot on the tennis court, I decided to “come home with it or on it” and every day we all get to choose. It sounds crazy I know, but I’m “extreme” remember? Whether in business or in life, consider what your mental threshold is and dare yourself to cross that boundary. And, when your legs are done and you physically have nothing left, allow your will to produce your victory for you. We may not have been raised in such harsh conditions but I think we can all find a little “Spartan” in each of us. 

Dwell In Possibility...

The definition of a “possibility” is something that may be true or might occur, something that can be chosen from among a series of choices. It’s a chance that something might exist, might happen or might be true: the state or fact of being possible. Powerful isn’t it? According to that definition, if something is possible, it’s up for grabs for us to have as our reality. So, I wonder what are your possibilities? Is it possible for you to live abroad for a time? Is it possible for you to start your own business? Is it possible for you to begin scratching things off your bucket list? Is it possible for you to forgive that person you just can’t seem to forgive? Is it possible for you to get healthier? Is it possible for you to change your life? 

As I considered the choices that we face every day, every year, every moment of our lives—I was reminded of someone in our Garrison family that has done just that. He is most impressive in what he has accomplished and what he has chosen for his possibility. You see Darryl has been overweight for most of his life. He’s married to a beautiful woman and has two sweet kids. But when Darryl bent over to tie his shoe one day and realized he couldn’t do that without losing his breath, he knew it was time for a change. Darryl was only in his mid-thirties and that incident was his reality check. So, he made a decision to get healthy. It started with a contest at work a year and a half ago, a Biggest Loser kind of thing. In 3 months he lost a lot of weight, but when the contest was over, he went back to his old habits. Last August, his family decided to buy a Groupon for a kickboxing class but mostly for the “free boxing gloves” as he says. He made a choice to get healthy and this time it would be for good. 

Darryl goes to the gym daily, he eats healthier and brings his lunch to work religiously. And, the proof is in the pudding, he’s lost 35 pounds! Darryl says his biggest mental shift is realizing the life and old habits that are now a thing of the past. He sees pictures of his former self and it’s hard to believe. As Darryl notes, “it’s too hard to put the weight back on” so he’s always looking for ways to avoid getting stuck in that rut again and triggering old habits. He also is so appreciative of all the things he’s able to do now and he realizes how far he’s come. He sees the biggest difference in his confidence because he’s aware of what his body is capable of. That confidence transcends to everything else he does. The way he talks to people has changed, the clothes he wears has changed, what he thinks of who he is has changed. Darryl’s transformation is nothing short of inspiring. The discipline and will that he’s developed is amazing. When I asked what his goal is for his weight, he smiled and said, “I want to make my wife jealous…” We’ll have to ask his sweet wife if that mission has bee accomplished yet!

What Darryl has taught me is at one point in his life, losing weight and getting healthy was something that might be true, it was something that had to be chosen from among a series of choices. He was willing to take a chance that losing weight is something that might exist, it was the state or fact of being possible. You see, Darryl’s possibility is now his reality. His choice led to something concrete about who he is. Not only has Darryl benefited from a healthier life, he’s taught us the power of choice. He’s proved to us that the odds of a possibility becoming true are only as probable as you want to make them. Darryl has added longevity to his life, he’s added years to his marriage, he’s added the gift of more memories with his children. 

So, what is your possibility? Who else will that one choice impact? How powerful is the probability that your possibility will be your reality? 

There's No Place Just Like This Place...

“There’s no place just like this place, anywhere near this place, so this must be the place.”- author unknown

I went to visit my parent’s for the 4th of July and as I was walking toward their front door, this quote was thumbtacked on it, written on a yellow index card in my dad’s all caps military friendly handwriting.

I loved it. I loved it because he loved it. I loved it because he thought so much of it that he thought to put it on his door. I loved that “this place” for him was my childhood home. I loved that for the first time in my life, I felt so connected to him. You see, my office area, my home, my world is filled with inspirational quotes on canvases, in pictures, on rocks that have inspiring words etched on them. I have pictures that speak to my heart all around me and this quote, this quote spoke to my dad. The backstory is my father is a man of few words. He listens well and when he doesn’t want to listen well, he’ll turn up the volume on the tv with the remote that never leaves his side. My dad is a hardworking man and he has been all his life. When he was a little boy of 5 years old growing up in Corpus Christi, he’d walk with his brother and sister not much older than him, to the docks where the ships of sailors would come in during the war and shine shoes for a nickel. He joined the air force after high school. He and my mom married young so he wanted a way to provide a stable income for her. As young as I can remember, dad always had more than 1 job. He’d repair tv’s at home, work on cars, all in addition to his job at the base. 

When we were kids, every six weeks that our report cards would come out, dad would make a trip down to the trophy store and get my brother and I “outstanding student” trophies. He quietly encouraged us to do well. Since he was so busy, I don’t remember being able to spend a lot of time with him but I knew we were loved because he was always making sure we had what we needed, he always renovated the house to make it more comfortable or to update it. As I got older and could drive, during the winter, he would go outside and warm up my car for me so it wasn’t too cold when I got inside. As a kid though, I only seemed to see the things that bothered me, like maybe when he drank a little too much or when he seemed really grouchy because he was exhausted. I would dwell on the moments of his anger rather than remember the memories of all he did to make us feel loved. As I said, dad is a man of few words, for most of my adult life until last year, I had never heard him say “I love you”. You can bet when those words came out of his mouth, I held onto them like the treasure they are with everything I have. They remain forever etched in my heart and if I close my eyes and listen, I can still hear him say them and I think I always will. 

Most of my life, I longed to see how I was similar to my dad. Truth be told, for years I believed I was adopted. Maybe because of my older siblings teasing me that I was, but mostly because I never felt quite like I fit in. I was the contemplative kid who would rather get lost in a book or sketch outside than play video games. I was always pondering and writing. I lived life among my family like I was watching a screenplay unfold before my eyes. Things weren’t always easy but, I did my best to understand and give others grace as I grew older and could figure out more. I realized that I gained gifts in my personality from both my parents and I discarded what wasn’t fruitful. But, as I walked up to their door and saw that little yellow card, it was as if a part of my heart that had been missing for so long, found its way home. And, as the piece of my heart that was missing for so long fell into place, it sounded as if it said, “there’s no place just like this place, anywhere near this place, so this must be the place.” and indeed it was.