Manna For The Journey - Day 34

If you want to see "After Earth" don't read the rest of this entry! The movie has great lessons about strained family relationships and overcoming fear. So many great nuggets of wisdom. Having been on both sides of fear, I found it quite compelling. The father's character played by Will Smith is a heralded general who has sacrificed his family and is about to go on his last mission. His son, played by his actual son, is fighting to walk the ancient path of his father, but is struggling to get there. Soon, we find out why. Will Smith's character is known for "ghosting". "Ghosting" means he can be around these blind creatures that kill humans by not fearing them. They literally can't find him because he remains steadfast and at peace. It is his greatest offensive weapon. As the movie rolls, we discover that one of these beings attacked his son and his daughter while Will Smith's character is not at home. To protect her little brother, the daughter places him in a glass terrarium dome so that the creature can't smell him. She ends up dying trying to defend them. This is his greatest agony, first that his father wasn't there and second that he didn't help his sister. I won't ruin the rest of the movie for you, but for me this was very personal. When faced with fear, a perceived threat, we fight or flee. Our fears can appear so huge, we can be running from something that isn't even chasing us (cue from the movie). It can give us the feeling we just have to survive and we're wielding weapons that aren't necessary. I wonder what your weapons are? Mine have been insulating, being defensive, rejecting you before you reject me. Or, we can practice "ghosting". We can get to a place of facing our fear. We face it offensively, with a steadfast mind and a peaceful heart. I'm reminded of how many years I lived in my glass box. Much like the character in the movie, my glass box was protection. My glass box was also built from shame and fear. I protected myself from the outside world, from others seeing who I really was. My box was my security. It was base. It was safe. But, my box is only so big and there is a great big world outside of it for me to live in and to free others from their glass terrariums. This is what our holding place in life can be like, can't it? A terrarium is a defined, small, enclosed space for growing and observing life. Hmmm. If you look at it from that perspective and we all walk around in our own terrariums, what is it that people observe about your life? What would that look like? Is it full of growth and ready for the top to pop off? Is it comfortable and complacent in that small defined space and in no hurry of needing more space because of limited growth? Of course there's a great ending to the movie, after all it's Hollywood. My ending? Much like a well written script, I decided to face my fears. Through faith and much introspection, I am practicing  the "ghosting" technique  and I've traded in my terrarium for the fresh air of joy and freedom.

"Have I not commanded you?

Be strong and courageous. Do not 

be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God

will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Manna For The Journey- Day 33

Brokenness is the vessel that transports us to wholeness. Brokenness is also the means by which we are able to bless others. Two very difficult quotes I've wrestled with are the following, A.W. Tozer "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply." and Alan Redpath wrote, "When God wants to do an impossible task, He takes an impossible individual--and crushes him."Funny, it reminds me of playing with Legos as a kid. I'd spend so much time building something really amazing (in my mind anyway) and my brother or another kid in school would come along and knock it over. All my hard work. You're left with a broken mess of parts and have to rebuild with what you've got left. Life's like that isn't it? Sometimes you think you've built an empire, and the whole thing comes crashing down. If our priorities, thoughts, passions and direction do not recognize God as the source of our life, it is just a matter of time before we are wrecked. Being wrecked is a sweet place to be. It's only here in this place where our insides feel shattered, we feel cut off, we feel loss and pain. We are mourning the illusion of control we once had and maybe for the first time in our lives, we realize we aren't in control. We need help. We need the God of the Universe to step in and help us because it is in those dark moments when we first confess we cannot help ourselves. Thankfully He prefers to use broken people to help reach others. As Tozer also said, "Beware of any Christian leader who does not walk with a limp." You see, God saves us from ourselves. He saves us from our selfish nature that would wreck our lives anyway. The point of our brokenness is to draw us to Him. After all, it's why He came--to bind up the brokenhearted and bind up our wounds. He is our healer. It says in Isaiah 42:3, "He shall not break even a bruised reed, nor snuff out even a smoldering wick. He shall bring forth the true way." Our brokenness is when we are being refined and it gives us a story. By our testimony, we encourage others. He breaks us gently so we are reminded of who He is. He comes near to the brokenhearted. He sits with us and nurses our wounds. He loves us so much He meets us where we are and thankfully doesn't leave us there.

"Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to

the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts 

and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds

on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, 

you'll have it forever, real and eternal."

John 12:24

Manna For The Journey - Day 32

When I was a kid, I was quite sickly, or at least I thought I was. I remember being elementary school age and when it was time to go on a vacation or field trip for school the first thing I did was pack a bag of medications. How old was I? 8 or 80! I'd put Tylenol in the bag in case I had a headache, Pepto for my tummy, those stomach aches were paralyzing. I didn't even enjoy the trip, I was always afraid of getting ill. But, if I didn't have my bag of meds with me I was downright terrified. My thoughts of fear consumed me. I believed the worst. I didn't know Jesus as my loving Savior then. In fact, I saw God very much in character from the Old Testament and I might as well have been from Sodom or Gamora because I just knew He was disappointed in me and wanted me off this earth. In middle school, things didn't get much better. I would literally sit every day in the nurse's office and read the Physician's Desk Reference and self diagnose every day. Each day I had a terrible disease. It took a lot of years to undo that mindset of fear. Still today, when faced with new challenges, I find myself grabbing for my medication bag. Now why is it not my instinct to grab for Jesus? I wonder what it is you grab for? What brings you comfort? One of my other obsessions is with my fitness and weight. I consider what I will consume, how much I'll exercise just to stay in decent shape. These thoughts consume me. My volunteer work at church, yes ministry can be an obsession if we allow it. Anything that is all consuming, anything that fights for or demands our attention is an idol. Our children can even be an idol. The Israelites were surrounded by this issue all the time, they lived in a pagan society. There were gods for the gods. I remember the story in Genesis when God asked Jacob to collect all the false gods he and his family had and get rid of them. He collected them all and he buried them under an oak tree at Shechem. When I read that, my first thought was why didn't he destroy them? Burn them, do something to wipe them out completely. I feel like he only hid them. But in my judgement of my great ancestor, I realized haven't I done the same thing? When I recognized my idol do I simply put it away or "bury" it instead of destroying it or at least destroying its place in my life? God had asked Jacob to do this 30 years earlier but now he has ears to hear. Jacob's life was surrounded by heartbreak. Isn't it amazing how personal crisis somehow makes our obedience to God sharper? Is there something God has asked you to do, maybe a god that needs to be put away? Maybe it's inconvenient right now, we're so busy doing life we just don't have the time. Maybe we aren't ready to give up what's consuming us to make more room for Him. If we're there, the good news is He waited 30 years for Jacob and He waited 40 years for me! He is so patient and so loving and YOU are so worth the wait! Consider your life, consider what consumes your time, your thoughts, your actions...maybe its time to find your oak tree at Shechem.

"Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones

and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down

the idols of their gods and wipe out their names

from those places."

Deuteronomy 12:3

Manna For The Journey - Day 31

Do you like to window shop? Pass by beautiful displays and storefronts, wishing for things. Whether furniture, clothing, jewelry, or shoes, we long for what we don't have. If you're like me, you can get really caught up in that. I have a very creative imagination. Unfortunately, what I've done for the better part of 40 years is window shop in life. Many times in conversations I find myself saying, "If I had to do it all over again..." or "If I could go back in time, I would..." or how about this ridiculous statement, "If I only had more time...." If you're honest with yourself, do you do that? I hear people do it all the time. We talk about it regarding careers, their children, their marriages. We window shop. Everything looks better in the window all put together doesn't it? The crazy thing is, much like what keeps me from my favorite new pair of shoes, the only thing stopping us from having what we want is us. We complain about what we have but we don't do what it takes to have what we want. Consider this inner dialogue: "These wedges I have are so 2 seasons ago, their so brown, and their only 3 inches. These in the window are dark brown, their new and their all of 3.2 inches!" If we convince ourselves enough the new ones are better, they'll be better. Now listen to this conversation, "My child is so entitled. She's never happy with anything. Lisa's daughter is so good, she's going on mission trips, she's content with what she has." Well friend, who raised your daughter? Ouch. I know. Now, don't get me wrong, we are not entirely to blame. There are externals that come into play I get that. But, how much are we willing to invest in helping our kids go from entitled to understanding and maybe even grateful. Are we willing to try everything and anything? Are we willing to even look at ourselves and see if maybe our patterns aren't the teeniest bit similar? I know. This is hard. We live in such a disposable society though. We are so quick to change, exchange, and throw away when those 2 seasons ago brown wedges are really still good. When it comes to our careers, obviously we can't go back in time, but did we forget we have a future. Did we forget that God has plans for our lives to give us a hope and a....future? No matter how old we are, we may not get a do over, but we do get new beginnings. We have the right to pursue our passions and our dreams. If you're miserable in your current career, change it. Yes, you may have to make some changes. You may have to make some sacrifices, but in the end I promise it will be so worth it. It's never to late to be who you were destined to be. There is a spot waiting somewhere just for you and it isn't filled until you show up. Isn't that exciting? What's it worth to you? Aren't you tired of looking backward? Time for a fresh start. Time for accountability. Time to start setting small goals to reach the big goals. Which brings us to my next rebuttal, "If only I had more time..." I've got a news flash, everyone gets 24 hours in a day. How do you spend yours? Again, it comes down to how bad you want something. What are you willing to sacrifice? If you want to get fitter, will you get up at 5 and hit the gym? When we window shop in life, we long for what we don't have. But, we forget to celebrate what we do have. We forget to realize our potential. We forget to be grateful for the opportunities that lie before us. We sell ourselves short. We can be window shoppers for the rest of our lives or we can dare to reach beyond what we've settled for as we peer in the windows.

"Take delight in the Lord

and He will give you the desires 

of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

Manna For The Journey - Day 30

Have you ever thought about how you get home everyday regardless of where you're driving from? It's like we're on autopilot. We can completely zone out in our head thinking about what to fix for dinner, what errands we may have to run, phone calls to return and somehow inevitably before we know it, the garage is going up and we're pulling in. Sometimes I literally could not tell you what kind of car was the last one in front of me. This is how life can be sometimes. We are perpetually on auto pilot. We have our routines. We have our daily practices. We have our habits. The things we like and the things we dislike. What we are for and what we're against. How we say things, how we communicate, how we live. But do we know why we are the way we are? Are we stuck in so many habitual routines because at some point we thought we were done evolving? I don't think we're ever done until God says we're done. Today, I had an epiphany. It was frightening and amazing all at the same time. I realized so many patterns in my life and could trace back the roots of them. Now, it wasn't like all the sudden I'm driving down the road and bam! it hit me. I was intentional about my introspection. I wanted to peel back the layers to see what I found. It's almost like when you finally decide to do a deep cleaning on your house and you actually move the furniture and realize you have dust bunnies larger than a Texas jack rabbit. Yikes! That's what this was like for me. After nearly 41 years of being here on this earth, I decided it was time to take inventory of who I was. The patterns I recognized brought me to the conclusion that I can make changes now or I can go on living the rest of my life in this haze of habit. You see the truth of it is, I have a lot of symptoms of codependency. I can't say I was shocked. I come from a long line of enablers. The most disheartening was having to admit to the devastation of those in my path. I saw love with conditions. I saw fear and the need to control and dare I say it, manipulate, to have the upper hand. I witnessed insecurity and performance based anxiety like an unquenchable thirst that needed to be satisfied. How does it feel? It feels liberating at the same time that it does uncomfortable. The discomfort comes in letting it go. It feels like your shedding skin you've worn for so long. The reality is all those negative aspects of codependency feed off of fear in one form or another. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of being honest because no one will like the real me. Fear of not being needed. Codependents are great problem solvers. Its how we roll. We can come up with solutions all day. It makes us feel better. We're needed. I realized that situations where I actually had to show up and not lead, freaked me out. If I had to be completely vulnerable and trust? Are you kidding me? That is ludicrous! It's insanity! Its the norm for people who know who they are and aren't afraid of who they are. So today, was like someone removing the 41 year old codependent Nora out of my body and introducing her to the new creation thats actually the original design God hardwired. It was so bizarre, but that's what it felt like. I know I have a long road ahead in this part of the journey but its okay I'm actually traveling lighter. You see when God revealed this truth to me, it was as if I traded in a whole set of baggage for just one carry on! I get to fill that carry on with all kinds of positive things and new adventures reflected with new eyes, new ears, and a heart transplant. Life is good and its just beginning…even at 41.

"Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new

creation. The old way of living has 

disappeared. A new way of living has 

come into existence!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Manna For The Journey - Day 29

We are afraid of becoming who we are truly meant to be. Read that slowly to yourself again…We are afraid of becoming who we are truly meant to be. I wonder what that would look like for you? I'm not immune. Reflecting on my life, I see patterns that should have changed by now. It's a lot like watching movies that have sequels to them. The characters may change but the storyline stays the same, and yet we're surprised when history repeats again. How did we get here again? What is the one common theme throughout this replay of my life? Hmmm. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize it's us. But, why haven't I changed it up? Why is this a repeat of a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago? If we reflect with an honest heart, are we too comfortable by our situations to change them? Change is a challenge. Change shakes things up. Change means we do without something that has become habitual. It has become part of who we are. We rely on it. We go to it. We feed off it. I remind myself of the story about the disabled man at the Pool called Bethesda. This man had lay there for 38 years. 38 Years…I'm nearly 41. I cannot imagine everyday of my life having to rely on others to take me down to this pool. He lay there there in the sun, hoping for a chance to be made well. You see, the rumor was an angel came to stir the water and the first one in would be healed. For 38 years people got ahead of him. For 38 years he waited every day, hoping that would be his day. Can we consider that for a moment in our lives? As I said, I'm nearly 41. Where in my life am I disabled? Where have I waited everyday and hoped today would be my day for change? Where am I beyond paralyzed in my own life that I need others to help me? I am afraid of becoming who I really am. I lay at the feet of my Savior. I cry out, "when will my life change?" " when will I soar in this place?" "when will things get better?" Like the man at the pool, we feel helpless, hopeless, and burdened. We wait everyday. We look to others. Why do we think it'll be any different today compared to the last 38 years? But today there's a stranger here. We look up from the ground and He is standing over us. He looks down at us and asks, "Do you want to get well?" Who is asking this question? We've been coming here for 38 years. We've shown up. We've lied here waiting….And then it hits us. We've lied here waiting. Have we made efforts to get well? Have we just shown up? Have we just relied on others? Is it time for another strategy? Time to get out of our comfort zones. Time to live. So when we're lying at our pool called Bethesda and Jesus asks us "Do you want to get well?" Consider why he's asking. Then know that we don't have to wait for someone to come help us into the pool or even for the rumored angel to come and stir the waters. We have our mighty Savior we can trust to make us well, but we have to be willing to do our part too. We have to be willing to leave the security of our comfort zones. We have to leave the security of always needing other people to get us there. We have to be brave enough to see who we are truly meant to be.  We have to be willing to get up, pick up our mats and walk.

"Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and 

walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his 

mat and walked."

John 5:8-9

Manna For The Journey - Day 28

As kids, part of learning to be polite and respectful when we are introduced to people is to shake their hand and say our name. So, we practice and we continue this for the rest of our lives. After all, its the polite thing to do. Why is it that we become accustomed to introducing ourselves with minimal information. Dress nice, come across well, leave a good impression. No wonder we're tired and worn. Consider this question for a moment, really ponder it. Who in your life really knows you? The good, the bad and the ugly? Who accepts you for you. Who does not pass judgement but believes in something greater for you? An even tougher question, do you know who you are? If we were to walk around with labels on our foreheads...I know it would never happen...entertain me for a bit. What would your label say? What would people be the most surprised to read? What would be the hardest for you to write about yourself? The truth is, if we were that transparent, I'm not sure our society could handle it. Yet, we are supposedly a Christian culture that loves unconditionally? We judge all the time. What's worse, we judge ourselves all the time. What are we measuring ourselves against anyway? We all have a past, there are things we've done we'd love to forget, put out of our heads, never discuss. But, how do you know that very thing isn't the part of your story someone needs to hear to know they're not alone. How do you know that isn't the story that helps them make a decision to live a different life? How do you know that isn't the story they need to hear to save their life? At the risk of being completely transparent on this amazing entity we call the world wide web, my label would say: judging, loving, liar, truth teller, antagonist, loves justice, hypocrite, struggling to walk the right path, fearful, fierce, vulnerable, resentful, jealous, insecure and not who most think I am. I am a mix of emotion, I don't always act on the right one. I can be reactive instead of understanding. I can let my fears get the best of me and be the biggest idiot there is. I can be really good at blaming others when I contributed heavily to the problem. Why can't we be this honest? I just did. Wouldn't it be better if we could share all these things and then hold each other accountable for working toward being purer? You see, even though we all have a past, we also all have a future. We get to choose if we want to continue with the version of ourselves that most people like or the purest version of ourselves that we are evolving into. We can't be afraid to tell the dark parts of our story. But rather, we have to allow those stories to be told being filtered through the light of Jesus. Who knows, someone might just be liberated from their own personal prison because you were willing to talk about your time in yours. Don't be afraid of what people will think, wouldn't you rather be who you are then who they want you to be? I'm reminded of the biblical story about the prostitute that was about to be stoned. Jesus tells them if anyone of you has not committed a sin, throw the first stone. We must make room for each other, we must make room for ourselves. God gave us each a story. Let's make sure we're not walking around with stones in our pockets instead of words of understanding and forgiveness in our hearts.

"They triumphed over him 

by the blood of the Lamb

and by the word of their testimony;

they did not love their lives so much

as to shrink from death."

Rev. 12:11

Manna For The Journey - Day 27

Is your heart worn? Is it broken? Does it seem like it takes everything you have just to breathe? If this is you, I'm sorry. Some days, I'm right there with you. Some days it feels like nothing ever goes right. It seems like everyone in your world has the same agenda, to make your life that much harder. You get a call from the school, your child is acting up. Your boss calls, the deadline for the report has been moved up. Your spouse calls, the medical report isn't good. Do you ever just want to shout, "enough!" You've had it. You want to check out. You're done. You're broken. Scripture says if we just have the faith of a mustard seed...some days its hard to just get there. What is faith really? Some people say it's the opposite of fear. Some say it's belief. I think it's more than just belief. Faith was first introduced in scripture when God was saving the Israelites from the angel of death. By faith, He asked them to smear blood of the lamb on their door posts. They had to believe He would save them, but they had to take action so He could save them. This is the part I think we miss sometimes. We think, "ok I believe, so now God shows up." But, do our actions line up with that? Do we say that in one breath but then think we'll have a bad result anyway? Do we say we'll have faith in God but then behave and say the opposite? Do we say we have faith but then respond like a downtrodden people who have never seen God bless their life however big or small? I understand life is hard sometimes. I get that I really do. The past month has been really stinkin' hard in my world, and yes I'm tired. I'm worn. Some days I want a do over. But, the reality is, if I give up hope, I've got nothing but an empty heart and miserable mood. If  I'm faced with giants and believe God goes before me then I've got a full of gratitude and arms to hug others and lift them up too. By grace we are saved, not by our actions. But, our actions follow being saved because we're thankful, we're loved. We become witnesses to our one true almighty Savior. The question is will we be a good witness or bad witness? We get to choose everyday. Remember what Jesus said, "In this world, you will have trouble but take heart for I have overcome the world."

Manna For The Journey - Day 26

I love movies like "The Patriot". These men battled for a cause. Their hearts bled for their passion. As they marched into battle, they carried a banner. The banner symbolized who they were, what they stood for. The banner reminded them why they were fighting and gave them strength to continue. The Israelites looked at Moses' staff as their banner. When they faced their first opposition and Joshua led them into battle, Moses went to the hilltop and raised his staff. When the Israelites could see it they felt empowered, they knew God was with them. They felt His strength. When they could not see his staff raised, they doubted themselves in battle. I have been like the Israelites. When I feel God is with me, I'm fierce and courageous. When I doubt or feel alone, I forget He is still there. I begin to think I'm on my own. I start trying to figure things out for myself. I wander from the battlefield, from the banner, from the protection. We cannot go rogue. We must stay where the banner is raised. Have we fully given Him the battle we're facing? Have we taken down our own banners so that only His is raised? I had to tear down banners of pride, of confusion, of self-dependence. God is our refuge and strength in our battles. Prayer is another weapon in our arsenal and finally, community. Aaron and Hur were there for Moses to hold up the hands of their leader. Do you have people in your life that you know in the thick of the battle would stand along side you? Whether we're fighting an epic battle that seems to drag on for years or a sudden onslaught that came out of nowhere, raise God's banner high. Remember, we are the banners to the world. Don't miss an opportunity to share your stripes and tell of all the battles won because of Yahweh Nissi.

"Yet you have raised a flag for those who fear you

so that they can rally to it

when attacked by bows and arrows.

Save us with your powerful hand, and answer us

so that those who are dear to you may be rescued."

Psalm 60:4-5

Manna For The Journey - Day 25

Life can be a lot like an ocean can't it? Some days it's smooth sailing and other days it's just best to stay on dry land. For the most part, we can ride the waves of circumstance and navigate pretty well. Water can be a scary thing. It's so vast, so deep, and its difficult to see what lies ahead. Sometimes we see storms brewing in the distance but we're not really sure they'll reach us. Sometimes we get a little big-headed and we're caught right in the middle of a huge wave. About 8 years ago, I had a near death experience drowning. I was on a kayak on the river that happened to be cresting that day unbeknownst to me. I lost my paddle and got vacuumed into a tidepool. The next thing I knew I was standing vertically under water and my life vest was tangled and wrapped around all kinds of debris and logs. I was fighting to get to the top of the water. I could see the light of day through a huge pile of fallen trees, fence posts, and all sorts of trash. Finally, I realized it was no use. I wouldn't make it out of the river that day. Suddenly, I felt a calm and peace surround me. I prayed for forgiveness and asked God to watch over Jake and remind him every day that I love him. The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the river bank. I never spit out water and never gasped for air. The friend I was with said I had been underwater for more than 2 minutes and didn't think I would make it. It was the most surreal experience of my life. I was given another opportunity to live that day. But, aren't we given that opportunity every day? Whether we're drowning in water or engulfed by our circumstances, we have the opportunity to live. As scary as it was, I'm thankful for the experience. You see, all waves have a window where the water crests and slopes downward. If we look close enough through that window, there's a rainbow. The rainbow is a reminder of our freedom. We get to choose everyday whether we will allow the circumstances of that particular place in our journey to engulf us and drown us or whether we let our God, the King of the Universe rescue us and set us gently on the bank after the wave has passed.

"When you pass through the waters, 

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

Manna For The Journey - Day 24

Have you ever been in a place in your journey where you're certain this is not the place you signed up for? You are beyond hurt, beyond reasons, beyond understanding. Confusion surrounds you along with the ashes that come from the wake of destruction. Your heart longs for some semblance of normal. Is this a nightmare? No, it's real life and unfortunately we don't live in the Garden of Eden. We live in a world that swirls of emotions, of choices, of consequences. Put those all together and sometimes it's a recipe for disaster. The good news is our Father is still in the business of restoration. From my experience, it seems the messier the job the bigger He shows up. He reminds us that we're not alone. When the memories that pierce our hearts come to mind, He cries with us. When the lies try to infiltrate like an army of locusts, He reminds us He is The Lord of Armies and He is our Father. When the circumstances overwhelm us and it feels like we're drowning, He is our Yahweh Shalom, Our Lord of Peace. We walk through the rubble and ashes with Him. We sift through and as we salvage what we can He points to the destruction and reminds us there are shoots of life that press through even the darkest of times because he is "to phos you kosmou" the light of the world. He is the light that vanquishes all darkness. And we, even through the darkest of times, still have the opportunity to reflect His light. We move from death to life.

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me 

will have a life filled with light and will

never live in the dark."

John 8:12

Manna For The Journey - Day 23

Kind of silly and sweet at the same time but when I think of our relationship with the Lord, I see it a lot like this picture. Piglet is looking up at Pooh and takes his paw as they amble along in the woods and he says ,"Just making sure of you..." He just wants to know he's still there. That he is with him. That he is for him. When I walk through my wilderness I like to make sure my Savior is there too. Personal crisis and struggle brings us into dark places sometimes. It feels like we're out in the wilderness and we're all alone. Desperate for anything. Desperate for meaning. Desperate to know someone is for us.
I think of the many great stories of the bible where people faced desperate times. Jonah in the belly of the whale, Daniel and the lion's den, Jesus was desperate too. Imagine what He must have felt knowing his fate. He had healed so many, raised people from the dead, could call on legions of angels at any moment and yet He drank from the cup of suffering so all of us could live. His desperate moment of making sure that his Father was still there came as he asked if there was any other way, but offered not my will but yours be done. Though he was aware of what was about to happen, he knew his Father's will trumped any fear or anxiety he had. So what I've struggled with is the following line "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" In a way, Jesus was still making sure of His Father. Consider all He's been through at this point, the scourging, the beating, the crown of thorns, being nailed to the cross. He no longer addresses God as Father but as God. He is now a man in agony just like David's fulfillment of the 22nd Psalm. He is a man in need of his God and He feels abandoned. I think, in my very humble opinion, that cry is for all those of us who are in our wilderness. All those of us who are hurting. All those of us that need to make sure our Father is there, that He has our back. Thankfully we don't have to worry about being swallowed by a great fish, being thrown into a den of lions, or even suffering the way our Savior suffered for us. But we do have our moments. We sometimes, by our own choices, place ourselves in the wilderness. No matter how deep in the thicket, because of Jesus sacrifice, we can take our Father's hand, look up, and say "Just making sure of you..."

"For I am the Lord your God 

who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear;

I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Manna For The Journey- Day 22

My last post was about love and loving without expectation. Loving from a very sweet place. Loving without regard to what we receive in return. But what about when someone hurts our feelings? What about when someone breaks our heart? What about when it seems someone's only motive is to go for your deepest wound and pour salt on it? What then? How are we supposed to look the other way? Bless our enemies, as scripture says. The honest truth is, I'm not exactly sure. I could sit here and pretend I've got it all together and say you just do it. But, I'd be lying. Best I can tell you is it's a daily work in progress. In my quiet time as I thought about this, I realized its a lot like breaking a bone. If this has happened to you, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes the bone has to be reset, the movement hurts, terribly. Then a cast is made to secure the break and hold it in place. For a time anyway. After the prescribed time, the cast is removed and the break is healed. Good as new. Only the memory of the break is what's left behind. When someone breaks your heart, whether it be in relationship with a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, child, it hurts. Sometimes our hearts are so shattered, it may have to be reset. We have to hold the hurt and reframe it so we can get past it. The cast for our heartbreak is the mold our loving Father gave us for loving. Bless our enemies, He says. Do not repay evil. If someone takes something that is yours, don't ask for it back. Release them, release the relationship, release the hurt so you can begin to heal. After the prescribed time, we are left with only a memory of the break. We evolve to a whole heart, we evolve to love again.

"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without

expecting a return. You'll never --I promise--regret it. 

Live out this God-created identity the way our Father

lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when

we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind."

Luke 6:35-36, The Message

Manna For The Journey - Day 21

"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled."

This scripture fascinates me. I don't think I'd really ever seen this kind of love until recently. Isn't that being said from a selfish perspective too? How about have I ever given this kind of love? Why is everything about what we receive? Honestly, its the first thing I thought of. I want to be loved like that. What I'm discovering is maybe to be loved like that, I need to love others like that. I have loved because I have gotten something in return. I'm receiving love. I'm receiving praise. I'm receiving admiration. I'm receiving what my expectations are. But, what happens when those expectations aren't being met? What happens when I'm met with disappointment? Do I still love? Especially when it comes to those closest to me? Do I love them well? Do I love them unselfishly? Do I keep track of the wrongs and offenses? Do I long to control their life and when I don't feel like their doing what I want, do I support them by loving them anyway? People often say, "you can't be their Holy Spirit" convicting others and guiding them. The difference is the Holy Spirit still loves. He does not give up. He does not keep record of our misguided choices. He doesn't meet us next time with an "I told you so". He just loves us. After 41 years of walking this earth, I'm just realizing that I have not loved this way. I can make all the excuses in the world about how I wasn't taught to love this way, I wasn't shown this type of love. The truth is, this is how Jesus loved.  It's in His Word. If we seek after Him and are willing to be taught, we can love like this. His way is all about selfless love, always was, always will be. Maybe we need to quit complaining about all the wrongs done to us in this lifetime, all the people that have not loved us well, all the trials. Maybe we need to get on the offensive instead of the defensive and love without restraint. Love without expectation, love openly and honestly. No agendas, no what's in it for me, no fear. You see, at the end of the day there are no guarantees. But, at least you have tasted the sweet offering of a love this pure and beautiful. "Because when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled."

Manna For The Journey- Day 20

Often when I read the bible I try to put myself in the story. Do you do that? I often wonder what the person was thinking and feeling. What did it smell like there? What might my reaction have been?
So, I was thinking about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. What a sweet place to be. Surrounded by such beauty. I look around in the story and in my mind everything is lush. Don't laugh, but it's kind of like Hawaii or some tropical location. There are flowers of every color, trees that are so green they look like emeralds. The water is a crystal blue shade shaded only by the fish that swim happily in harmony. There are birds that sing joyous melodies. They are numerous and every represented by every color in a box of crayons. The air smells crisp and clean, not tainted by anything, its pure and natural. The animals travel with their herds basking in the fields, not threatening one another, living peacefully sharing this amazing place. We walked with God daily. Sometimes He'd remember an animal or tree we forgot to name. Well, there were so many...Life was good. There was peace. We had everything we needed. He was clear about one thing, the only thing, do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. If we do we shall surely die. There are so many lessons in this story, but I'll try to unpack just one for now. God did not want us to eat of this tree or we will surely die. Adam and Eve didn't die but a lot did cease that day. They no longer were able to enjoy just being who God designed them to be. Once they ate from the tree, their eyes were opened beyond what God wanted them to see. Suddenly our oldest ancestors introduced an emotion that would separate us from God for years to come, shame. They hid from Him. I wonder how many times I've hid from God in my lifetime. What's interesting to me is while they were in the act of disobedience there was no eyes wide open then. We aren't looking at the whole picture. We're acting out of our fleshly wants and desires. After the fact, there's remorse and yes, shame. Then we hide. We hide not only from God but from those that matter. I know I've even hid from myself. We get so far off the beaten path, so far from our original design, that we "cover up" only we wear invisible masks not fig leaves. The sweeter take away from all this is even though they were disobedient, God still was available to them generations and generations later to this very day. The beautiful thing is the second Adam--Jesus. He ushered in the new agenda, the new way. He brought the kingdom here. It is now. Yes we live in a fallen world, but everyday we have the opportunity to bring our own version of the Garden of Eden wherever we go. We can walk with God daily. We can commune with Him. In Him we have everything we need.

Manna For The Journey - Day 19

Have you ever been in a place in your journey where its just plain hard to believe? You've struggled with whatever it is, you've been on your knees daily, you long for resolution. You long for light at the end of the tunnel. You long for hope. There's a scripture in Proverbs that says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."This is beautiful and so meaningful when you break it down. Defer means to postpone, put off for a later time. Our answer to prayer will come, but maybe it's in God's time, not our own. Sometimes its so hard for us to wrap our brain around that. We live in a culture where expectation is now. Its a very disposable philosophy. If things aren't working out the way we want, if they don't look the way we want, if our expectations aren't being met--time to change the channel. Disappointment leads to disposal of the situation. We are in marriages less time than we're courting. We change jobs when we're disenchanted. We buy and sell real estate every 3-5 years. We have become surf happy people in a world and a noncommittal culture that allows it. But, I wonder what it would look like if we held on. If we realized the hope is only deferred, only postponed, only delayed. The other meaning for deferred is to submit humbly. So the scripture would read, "hope humbled makes the heart sick..." Humble is another posture that is very difficult in a culture that is brimming with entitlement. We seek what we believe is justice in the name of equality. We don't back down. Yet, sometimes the answer comes in realizing that if we humble ourselves and continue to hope for the desires of our heart, they shall come to pass. Maybe the time we're "deferred" is training ground for us spiritually. Is there more prep work that must be done before the answer arrives? Are there things we need to work on individually to have the desires of our heart fulfilled? Now for the other half, "a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". Have you waited through the deferred period long enough to see the desire fulfilled? Aren't you beyond grateful? In my opinion, the tree of life is actually the hope we've been looking for. It's the redemption in our stories that keeps us believing. I think of what the tree of life in the garden of Eden must have looked like. In my mind, it's a large canopy of branches with huge succulent fruit that weigh down the branches. It's beautiful. It's a covering from the storms, its nourishment, it's our manna. Our tree of life is what sustains us till the next part of the journey. In my prayer time, I've tried to be more aware of what I'm asking for. I've tried to examine my heart so that I can be clear if my hope is deferred because God has deferred it or because I'm deferring it by the posture I've taken. Have I humbled myself and considered the circumstance and when my longing is fulfilled am I grateful? Do I live off its sustenance and consider how I've been blessed? Do I long for Jesus or what He provides me?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

Manna For The Journey - Day 18

Redwood trees are beautiful. I've never had the pleasure of seeing one in person, but in pictures they look like trees from fairytales. Redwoods can grow up to 375 ft tall! Isn't that amazing? They're so majestic. You would think such beautiful tall trees would have roots just as deep into the ground. The incredible thing is they don't. Redwoods roots only go down maybe 5-6 ft deep. What make redwoods thrive and grow so wonderfully is community. You see, redwoods share a root system. There may be a whole grove of them intertwined and connected each being the life source for the next. So when storms and strong winds come and shake them, they are immoveable. They are in community. Having been through a rough part of my journey the last two weeks. I rediscovered what community means. While I was tending to my son in the hospital, I was surrounded by community. There were my sweet friends who were taking care of my dogs and my house. My amazing praying warriors, lifting up Jake and I in prayer every day. Friends that would send texts or Facebook messages letting me know we were in their thoughts and prayers. I met sweet people in the hospital that checked in on us all the time. Jake's teammates and band of brothers that visited him. The truth is, there was a time I would have handled this all on my own. I was a lone ranger and always thought that was me being strong. I could tough it out with the best of them. Earn my stripes. I didn't need anyone. The reality was, I wasn't being strong, I was being stubborn. Sure, there were situations in my past where I couldn't trust people. I had been hurt. People left, just when I needed them. So standing alone was safe. I insulated myself so I wouldnt be disappointed. Maybe a larger part of me didn't think I was worthy. What I've realized is even the Lone Ranger needed Tonto. In order to trust again, you have to start somewhere. You have to find the smallest glimpses to give you hope in people again. When all this began with Jake, the people that came along side me and said they would do something, actually did it. Not only did they do it, they did it in the most loving way possible. The care they gave my dogs, my home, my yard was better than me on my best day! My friends that said they'd pray, did. They'd even call regularly and pray with me on the phone. The Facebook messages didn't stop and all rejoiced with me when we were going home. Jake's friends never forgot about him. It was finals week, they had nationals and yet they took time to come and surround his hospital bed. You see, before I thought I had to stand alone to survive.  What I learned is I need my community to stand around me, like the mighty redwoods. We share a root system and thrive together, so when the storms and winds of life come we are immoveable.

Manna For The Journey - Day 17

If you've been reading my blog, you know my son has been in the hospital. I've been away from the comforts of home for the better part of two weeks. I've been sleeping on a couch in my son's hospital room. I haven't left the hospital but a couple times. I long for real food. I'm complaining. I'm whining. I'm reminded of the Israelites and what they must have felt like. My discomfort has only been 2 weeks, they had a much longer trek.  A trek that should have only taken 11 days and instead took 40 years. Let's take a peek into our ancient ancestor's world and how that played out for them. In Deuteronomy 1:6-7 God tells them, "You have stayed at this mountain long enough. It is time to break camp and move on."  You see, they settled for longer than they should have at Kadesh. In my life, there have been so many times I have camped out at circumstance. I mean I've gone to Bass Pro and got the deluxe tent I planned on staying so long! Yet the Lord has had other plans but I've been too stubborn to break camp. And yet, The Lord says it's time to take our land, the territory He has given us. He has great plans for us, His word tells us that, but we refuse to move on and take it. We never receive the blessing, the inheritance He has waiting for us. Looking back there were so many reasons for their disobedience. They were impatient, they whined, they didn't believe. Have you ever felt like that? Your situation seems insurmountable, you feel defeated and discouraged. God says, I got it. But do we believe? Biblically speaking and from my own hard hearted experience, I can tell you if you have faith you tend to be more obedient where lack of faith will lead to all kinds of disobedience. So in the Israelites case, they realized this. They confess to the Lord but then they get so prideful about the blessing they forget they still needed Him. They run into battle without checking with the Lord. So the Lord says no, don't go. I'm not with you. If you go ahead on your own you will be crushed by your enemies. Key words--on your own. Huge lesson. Even though they did the right thing and confessed. They missed the whole point of seeking God's will for them. They were arrogant and ornery- remember the mustang spirit. The thing that stirred me is where they remained for most of their 40 years. After they were a little puffed up and tried to take the land that was promised them, they moved on their own, and they were battered. So they returned and wept to the Lord but He refused to listen. So they stayed there for a long time. Their faith was shaken. They were shaken. Now we know that Jesus created a new covenant for us. We know we are forgiven and loved. But, I wonder if we get stuck in a certain place in our lives because we come and weep, maybe even confess and yet we feel like the Lord isn't listening. So, we give up. We go buy our deluxe tent. Maybe we even build our golden calf. We find our Kadesh and sit there for years.  I wonder if there's places in our lives where Jesus is trying to lead us to freedom, to our promised land? He's been nudging us for sometime, maybe even years. Is it time for us to break camp and move on? 

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic

before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will

neither fail you nor abandon you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

Manna For The Journey - Day 16

Don't you just love movies like Gladiator or Braveheart, movies like the Patriot? There's something about the battle, the bloodshed, the price of freedom. Countless wars have been waged in the name of freedom. The power to determine action without restraint. Being able to pursue our will. Interesting when you consider the irony that to have freedom in Jesus, we have to surrender. We must raise our white flag and give up. We must lay down our selfish will for a chance at living in His. He is our author, our creator. He hard wired our hearts and precisely placed our desires, our gifts, our abilities, our quirks in our personalities. And yet, many times we choose to stand like William Wallace to the death for our own way , to be able to choose action without restraint. I'm right there with you. My flesh has called me into places and situations more times than I'd care to admit. I was living it up, I thought I had freedom. I followed this path so long, didn't drop enough bread crumbs, I forgot how to get back home. I was defiant like the prodigal wanting my inheritance now, raging against my Father's way, demanding freedom. But my sweet Father waited. He sat out on the porch every day looking for me, believing because He loved me so well surely I'd find my way back home. You see, He knew me better than myself. He knew I only had enough fuel to fight for a little while. He knew he had birthed in me an identity that is unshakable, immovable, and no matter how far off the path there are always glimpses of it. We may be in the worst of situations, just covered in fleshly desire, battling for freedom and yet we still hear that still small voice calling us back home. So, after much wandering, we realize it's time to raise the white flag. And then a funny thing happens, we begin to battle ourselves. We war with the notion, could He really want me back? No, I've done too much. I lied, I cheated, I got strung out on my fix. He couldn't possibly...but something in our hearts convinces us enough to begin the journey back home. We lay our self down, we gather ourselves, we raise our white flag. As we're just around the corner, we see Him. He's running toward us, tears in His eyes, arms wide open. We have found freedom and we didn't have to battle, we only had to give up.

"My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways."

Proverbs 23:26

Manna For The Journey - Day 15

I am wild, I am fierce, I am free. I have a mustang spirit. I love to run. I love new experiences. I love to lead. I will take on the world. I will forge a new path. I will not look back. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? To some, it sounds very familiar, to others probably quite scary. That is exactly my point. You see, there are times in our lives when we need the fearlessness of the me steno, mustang in it's original Spanish, and there are times we need a bit in our mouth for direction. The word mesteno really captures the essence of the mustang, it means free running. I just love the sound of that. I can close my eyes and feel the breeze flowing through my hair as I run hard taking in the sights and sounds of an open range where the beauty of the horizon is my destiny. If you haven't figured it out yet, that bit in my mouth thing--not so exhilarating. Yet, the Lord speaks of both occasions in scripture. In Job 39:19-25 God says, "Have you given the horse it's strength or clothed it's neck with a flowing mane? Did you give it the ability to leap like a locust? It's majestic snorting is terrifying! It paws the earth and rejoices in it's strength when it charges out to battle. It laughs at fear and is unafraid. It does not run from the sword. The arrows rattle against it, and the spear and the javelin flash. It paws the ground fiercely and rushes forward into battle when the ram's horn blows. It snorts at the sound of the horn. It senses battle in the distance. It quivers at the captain's commands and the noise of the battle." How awesome and amazing is that? The description reminds me of God's spirit, a fighting spirit. I have no problem letting this rise up in me. I love it, live for it even. But, as I said there are times we also need His direction. There are times I want to run free and it's time to be broken. The good news is He breaks us gently with a loving spirit. If you've ever read up on breaking mustangs, it takes some serious perseverance and patience. You see mustangs, much like me, will not trust you if they sense a spirit of weakness about you. Mustangs need to know they can trust you. You must match their intensity. As they approach you they'll feel you out and size you up. It may take a while for them to allow you to get close enough to them to throw a rope on their back. So the Lord takes us and calls us to Him and He waits for us. He lets us know there is warmth, there is love and there is shelter with Him. He may have to put a bit in our mouth if we're struggling with letting Him lead. Consider James 3:3 "We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in it's mouth." No matter how big we think we are, he can press into us with just a small bit. I wonder what your bit in your life has been? I wonder if it's time for those of us to quit running and come in for our sweet Father to break us? For those that prefer the bit, do you think it's time to let your mane down? Maybe it's time to feel the the gentle breeze and the fire in your belly to just run. Who knows? You might actually enjoy being out of the pen and in the great unknown of the plains of your journey. I think the key lies in finding the balance. I believe the heart of our Father is to allow us the freedom of running the open range along side Him, but He knows when we get a little prideful, maybe even a little ornery that it's time for us to be corralled again.

"I will run the way of your commands, 

when you give me a heart that is willing."

Psalm 119:32

Manna For The Journey - Day 14

Since there is much time between Jake resting sometimes, I find myself wandering the halls of the hospital meeting people in waiting rooms. I ask who they have here, what the circumstances are, can I pray with them or just listen and encourage them. Hospitals are the great equalizers, aren't they? Doesn't matter where you come from, what job you have, how big your house is, what kind of car you drive. In my quiet time, I've been reading about Viktor Frankl. Viktor is a holocaust survivor who spent his time in four different concentration camps. He watched as his family died, including his pregnant wife. His experience there was as horrible as everything you can imagine. Out of that time, he birthed an amazing literary work. Here is a quote from his book Man's Search For Meaning, "We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Powerful isn't it? The first person that came to mind is a man that I respect and admire more than he'll ever know, Troy Hallmark. Troy has been battling illness for sometime now but you wouldn't know it by his attitude. Troy inspires others with lessons learned along the journey. He even finds the time to encourage others one on one. He sent me a message just the other night for Jake. He is a teacher, he is a motivator, he is a cancer patient but he refuses to have his freedom taken; in turn he has blessed many of us with this priceless gift of wisdom. Troy offers us comfort, though he may be uncomfortable himself. He offers us his piece of bread, even when he needs to eat. He has chosen his freedom, his own way. Anything is possible. Though our situations seem dire and hopeless--attitude is everything. It's how we back in to a situation that counts and what we're willing to make of it. Are we going to be victims of circumstance or will we like Troy choose freedom?

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and 

do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

Manna For The Journey - Day 13

Jake's teammates came to visit him today. These young men aren't just on the same team, they're brothers. They're fierce, loyal and at the end of the day, they've got each other's back. Though Jake will not be out on the court playing at Nationals, they'll all be fighting for Jake. Isn't that the beauty of relationship? Isn't that what we all want to know? Who stands with us? I think of all my favorite movies--Gladiator, Braveheart, The Patriot--all about standing together against adversity. In war, this position is called the phlanx. A group of people standing, moving forward closely together. Isn't this the very thing that breaks our hearts too, when someone isn't willing to. When it's easier for them to walk away then stay and fight. When they don't deem us worthy? Who does that? People matter. We matter. Our hearts matter. Anything less and we become consumers in relationship. We become entitled. We become users. Taking this a step further, isn't this what scripture says? "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17 Don't we all have the opportunity somewhere around us? In our churches, in our schools, in our marriages? Does someone in your life know that no matter what comes their way, they can count on you to have their back? Throughout my experience just this week, I've been blown away by those who have stood with me. Through prayer, encouraging words, sitting with me, calls, emails, FB messages, feeding my dogs. They're people that have their own lives, their own stuff, but they find time to let me know they are for me. They are for Jake. People that have come along side me, stood by me, and locked their shields.

"A friend loves at all times, and 

a brother is born for adversity."

Proverbs 17:17

Manna For The Journey - Day 12

Today, I'm tired. I'm thankful. I'm grateful, but I'm tired. I'm reminded of Oswald Chamber's quote, "God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the moment..." So true. It's easier to understand scriptures like "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Yes, they do. I could not muster enough to even think about tomorrow. This situation has taught me many lessons about what I place stock in and how I handle things. Jake's recovery has to be intentionally slow and followed precisely. He has to follow the lead of the doctors who have a plan for him to get well. Left to himself, Jake would be playing tennis next week. This has been such a spiritual lesson for me. When I was younger and encountered dysfunction, it became part of who I was. I made decisions based on what I knew. I allowed people to hurt me. I was sick. I needed God, our great healer to help me. I needed Him to bind up my wounds and mend my broken heart. But, one of the key things to that is the recovery. I needed to allow Him to give me the prescriptions, the rehab. Can't you just see it? Take one dose of self-respect three times daily until finished. Take one dose of faith as needed. Don't forget to do your spiritual exercises to maintain flexibility and strength--reading the Word, quiet time and most of all check in with God daily and let Him know how you're doing. Seriously, I would have saved myself so much heartbreak and struggles if I had not bee so stubborn and followed Him instead of my flesh. I would have saved so many days and nights filled with worry and strategizing if I had only remembered to stay in the moment and trust. Yes, I believe Jake's life event, his tent pole is as much for him as it is for me. I've learned to not self diagnose, self prescribe, self fix. Why do we think we know better when our Father parted the Red Sea, healed the lame, the blind sea, raised people from the dead, etc. And oh, how He loves us. He offers a free clinic 24/7 and walk-ins are always welcome :)

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 147:3

Manna For The Journey- Day 11

This blog is a little different and much more personal for me today. I wrote it yesterday on the plane back to Texas. If I only knew what we were about to go through....I would realize why the Lord gave me this and why it was so appropriate. My son was in emergency surgery last night directly after flying in from our visit to Indiana University. I bought the shirt I'm wearing and had no idea how fitting  it would be. Rise to the occasion. That's why Jake will fill right in as a Hoosier. He was strong and fierce and faced this battle like the mighty warrior he is. I'm so proud to be his momma and I'm so proud to be a daughter of the King.

I'd also like to thank the wonderful angels that attended him in the Trinity Mother Frances ER in Tyler last night, they were amazing. Special thanks to Dr. Ellis, in my eyes the best trauma surgeon in the world. And sweet Evelyn, my new friend and angel, thank you for sitting with me during what was probably the scariest time in my life.

It had been quite the night already in the ER in Indiana and the only thing that kept coming to my mind was I am in survival mode. I decided to look up the meaning. The first definition that popped up on Google is - when you're so tired, you have to settle into a slow, determined pace to make it home....
Really? All it needed was my picture next to the definition. My son is so ill. I can't do anything physically to help him but try to keep him comfortable. Spiritually, I pray for comfort for him and peace for me. I have only slept 3 hours. I had to find a pharmacy open after going to the ER and get us to the airport to make our flights back to Texas. I'm so tired but I had to find a slow, determined pace to make it back home...I wonder if you can remember a time in your journey like that? The mountains ahead look treacherous and huge, you have just enough strength to make it if you don't try to go too fast and wear yourself out. The key words that jump out at me in that definition are settling in to a slow, determined pace. When is the last time you put slow and determined in the same sentence? Usually when we think of determined we describe it with words like frenzied and fast but slow? Settle? Not in this woman's vocabulary. But this time, I've had to think through the process that would help my son. I had to be methodical in getting everything done that needed to happen and he's hurting so we had to go at a snail's pace. All the while, my loving Father is teaching me. I'm reminded of Mathew 11:28-30. The Message version is so good it talks about learning the unforced rhythms of grace. It goes on to say our Father will not lay anything on us that's ill fitting or heavy. Clearly at times our flesh begs to differ. The unforced rhythms of grace, doesn't that sound a lot like settling in to a slow determined pace to make it home. See while we're here on this journey we call life, all we have to be on is survival mode. He does the rest. Our Father is our provider, our refuge, our hope. He tells us when to move, when to sit still, when to reach out to others. God has His plan. He is methodical and when we're hurting, sometimes He even slows down the pace. He'll never tell us when to worry, because we don't have to. Can you imagine if to this point I've been taking care of my son and then all the sudden I tell him, "don't get too comfortable, in just a little while you'd better worry, you'll be on your own." I would never say that to him and our Father would never say that to us. He will be with us throughout the journey. He promises that. So now this mustang spirit of mine is slowed down from a full run to a trot. Life's like that sometimes. We get hit with a barrage of battles and the only way to get through is to have grace for ourselves, not give up, and remember to look up. We can huddle safely under the wings of our Father. We settle into a slow, determined pace so we can make it home.

Manna For The Journey- Day 10

The definition of fear is being an emotion caused by a perceived threat. If the threat is perceived, is it real? So, the natural reaction is flight or fight. Are either one of these good really? I mean if we fight, are we being logical at the time? Are we reacting or responding? Fight sounds like a heck of a lot of emotion that can go bad real quick. Flight means we run. We're not even going to attempt it. We are so far removed from the situation, we're almost paralyzed. Hmmm...not many choices here and yet so many decisions, so many responses, so many actions are based out of this one all encompassing emotion. I believe fear can be birthed out of anger. It can be birthed out of anxiety. It can even be birthed out of joy. We have a fight with a loved one. Why did they say that? Why did they do that? I perceive I might be hurt or lose you so I will...fight or flight. I have a test coming up, I'm anxious about it. What if I fail? I'm afraid to fail so I will...fight or flight. I'm so proud of my son going off to play tennis in Indiana! That's a whole other state! That's far away. What if he gets sick? I perceive he may need me so I will....fight or flight. Do you see what I'm talking about? The runaway train in our minds is leaving the station and some of us have a round trip ticked that's been stamped endless times. Aren't you tired? Aren't you so done living in your perceived reality because we all know the real reality is hard enough. I'm as guilty as the next person. Believe me, I think I've been the conductor for the aforementioned train, "All aboard the fear train is leaving in 5 minutes! Grab all your perceived baggage and hold on its gonna be a bumpy ride!" Can you imagine how our loved ones feel? Because if you're like me, you've had arguments about things that haven't even happened yet, but we fear they will. We're just being efficient right? Wrong. We're wrecking ourselves and our relationships. We're choosing to fight battles that aren't real, they're perceived remember. So, what this looks like is a need to control, a limited view, and lots of sleepless nights of what if's. Unfortunately, I've had plenty of time to wrestle with this. The sobering reality is I've lost much in my quest to change this part of me. The collateral damage is friendships gone, love that's lost, and lots of great experiences I've missed out on because of my fear. So how did I turn this around? It's a work in progress...reading enough of my blog you've figured out that I lean on my fait..a lot. I attempt to come to God daily with a repentful heart for trusting my fears instead of Him. I've made restitution with those I've hurt, where I can. Most of all, I decided the devastation had to stop. I began really focusing on looking at situations as they were, almost from an outside perspective. Taking myself out of it seems to quell the fears. I noticed that I forgot to celebrate and rejoice not only for good things but for lessons learned along the way and growth in who I was becoming. I realized that fear was all bark and no bite. The fears, after all, were perceived. Finally, I faced the fact that fear kept me from living. I had already robbed myself of precious moments and relationships. Now I choose to risk living courageously, being aware of my heart, but knowing that I don't have to protect it. I don't choose fight or flight, I simply choose to stand. I stand based on truth and not perception. I stand objectively not subjectively stubborn. I stand for hearts being heard not love and lives being lost.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,

because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears

is not made perfect in love."

1 John 4:18

Manna For The Journey- Day 9

Today, I have the privilege of going with my son to officially visit where he will play Division 1 college tennis his junior and senior year. I've had to release him once before, but it just doesn't get any easier. This time around though he has inspired me more than he'll ever know. He has worked so hard both on and off the court and academically to prepare himself for this moment. He has been a leader among his peers and impressed many with his fiery spunk and encouraging spirit. Yes, its time for him to soar and fly. I think of the butterfly when I see him. A butterfly is first born a caterpillar and it's main concern it to get enough to eat for the rest of their journey. Believe me, he has mastered this! They they methodically and patiently build their cocoon where they will spend the rest of the appropriate time developing and morphing into a beautiful creature. Jake spent the last two years in his cocoon. I watched him as a freshman rise to the challenge of being away from home, meeting new people and adjusting to college tennis. He helped his team to second place at nationals and then began sophomore year. He continued persevering and coming under his teammates pushing them to reach their potential too. Now, I watch him beginning to free himself from the cocoon of preparation to the fully emerged state where he will spread his wings and fly. Hold on a minute, even butterflys must wait to have enough strength in their wings to soar and this can take 3-4 hours which in people time means he'll still need his mama just a little bit longer. He has truly inspired me to live fully into my gifting. The sky is literally the limit for butterflys and for you and me. Find whatever it is you love, whatever God has engineered you to do and press into to it. Don't take the prep time lightly, this is where we truly transform into the beautiful. Run after your dream hard and without abandon. Begin living from your heart, no fear, no excuses. Everybody needs a Jake in their lives, I thank God everyday for mine.

"Your name wil no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you

have struggled with God and with man and

have overcome."

Genesis 32:28