Manna For The Journey- Day 8

What if we had a virtual picture book of our life? We could hold it, thumb through it, laugh and smile, be proud of the triumphant parts of our journey. Then, there's those places we go past quickly, we turn the page quickly or we don't even acknowledge them. Friends, I believe these dark forbidden and unwanted places are actually where we can glean so much to move forward in our journey. Believe me, I have not only pages but chapters in my book I'd rather not see. In my quiet time, The Lord has asked to begin peeking at them. I think of being a child when we're so excited because we've drawn a masterpiece for our parents so we bring it for their accolades. Our Father wants to see these hidden works of art just as much. They've helped shape us. Sometimes good, sometimes they've left us a little bent out of shape. So, in my time with Him, I look through the book and pick just one. I hold it up to HIm, and slowly turn away, looking down. He holds it up and looks at it. Then He tenderly touches my chin and lifts my head. He holds me and thanks me for sharing it with Him and He tears it up and says, "You're forgiven and you're not who you were." He asks if I can forgive the other person in the picture, reluctantly I say yes. He promises it'll get easier as time goes by and there's no need to dwell on that picture anymore. He says we can reframe that experience, give it a new name and place the new picture in our memory book. I love this. I can remember that time and look at it through a lens of love and gratefulness instead of shame and anger. I could choose to color this memory with shades of lessons I learned, how I might back into that place and time again, or not at all. Our memory book of life is reflective of our journey, it's who we were, who we are, and who we have yet to become.

"You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth

and girded me with gladness."

Psalm 30:11-12

Manna For The Journey- Day 7

So, lately I've been going through a lot of change, a lot of transformation. Transformation is defined as a conversion, a change in heart or character. When we are transforming, we are battling against ourselves. We are waging a war against our old habits of fear, anger, self pity, transference of blame. In the midst of that we are seeking. We are listening for that still small voice like Elijah.  I know for me it has been a very chaotic time. I feel like a pinball bouncing between my old habits and my new heart. You see those old habits are habits for a reason. They have become my lifestyle. Honestly, if we run after this hard, with full intent, it is a time of mourning, we are dying to ourselves. We can feel like a mosaic at the time, a little fractured. We will feel the tension of life and long to react the way we always have. We can also learn to allow our hearts to dip into the vast ocean of peace that awaits us and sit in solitude with our creator. We learn to experience gratefulness and praise. We begin to long for those moments with Him instead of trying to figure out where to fit them in. Finally, there comes a new way of listening, with the ears of our heart. This is when, without realizing, we begin to look more like our Father. Instead of reacting to things we begin responding with disciplines of love, patience, forgiveness. Our pace slows down from a hurried frenzy to taking in precious moments as the gifts they are. In the words of Thomas Kelly we begin to experience "a life of unhurried peace and power. It is simple. It is serene. It is amazing. It is triumphant. It is radiant. It takes no time, but it occupies all our time. And it makes our life programs new and overcoming. We need not get frantic. He is at the helm. And when our little day is done, we lie down quietly in peace, for all is well." Doesn't that sound absolutely perfect? I love how he refers to it as "our little day", it really is in the big picture, just a blip on the radar. So how do we learn to come to this place of rest? For me, it has been asking for change even when I don't see it. Daily I began going to my Father and asking him to make my heart more like his. Honestly, my quiet time with Him has been more of my list of wants then just being content to spend time with him. Now, I catch myself and listen more than I speak. Let's go back to Elijah. God brought him victory but a crazy woman named Jezebel was enough to send him running off to a cave and wishing he were dead. Lesson learned men. Just kidding. Elijah was full of fear, he was alone and he'd lost heart. Can you relate? I know I can. Then he heard the Lord would pass by, it wasn't in an earthquake or unquenchable fire, it was in the sweet still small voice. I wonder if sometimes we don't get more comfortable in the middle of earthquakes and infernos than in an ocean of peace. I wonder if we haven't been on survival mode for so long we don't even remember what that still small voice sounds like? I began spending more time in scripture but I really focused on being present in it. Imagining the thoughts and feelings of the psalmists, the prophets and those that walked right behind their Rabbi Jesus. I began feeling an appreciation, a humbleness, a relationship with my Father. I couldn't wait to spend more time with Him. In my quiet time, I began to really listen to the things I was bringing Him. Quite often they were situations that were birthed out of my own flesh. Out of selfish desires and wants. The more I asked for change, the clearer things became, the less I was concerned about me. I asked for my heart to yearn for more. I felt as the panic of daily obligations began melting away. It was in that moment I realized the exchange had been made. The prisoner was set free. I was no longer bound by the chains of anger, regret and resentment. I had come to know peace, patience and love for those who had offended me. Don't get me wrong, this is not perfection but a process. "And when our little day is done, we lie down quietly in peace, for all is well."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old 

has gone, the new is here!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Manna For The Journey- Day 6

Is it possible to be made stronger by weakness? My competitive nature wants to disagree immediately. It wants to cry out "Of course not! We work at masking our weakness, don't we?" I play competitive tennis, my backhand is stronger than my forehand. So what do I do? I strategically set up my points to avoid hitting too many forehands. I study the court, it's geometry, I study my opponent's playing patterns and set up my play accordingly to avoid the forehand. Well, I want to win don't I? If I don't let you see it, you can never discover my weakness. I wonder, do we do that in life? Do we hide our weakness so they're not exposed and we don't have to worry about what others will think when they see them? Do we hide them so well even we forget about them? Admittedly, I mastered this. I could hide my fears and shortcomings so well, you'd only ever meet a part of me. If by chance, someone was just as good as I was and could see through me and call me out, well I just got defensive enough that I could deflect it right back. I could place blame like a bulls eye on a target. I could find all the excuses for myself. I did everything but the right thing. That is, till it began to cost me everything. I was forced to look at myself and my motives and friends it was ugly. I realized I had manipulated situations based on fear and insecurity. I validated my ill behavior and words so that it was justified. I realized that I was more stubborn than I cared to admit and if I didn't begin to seek change and commit to that change, I was risking never receiving the many blessings that come from living with a whole heart. So, I began to note patterns in my life. I wrote them out and remembered what emotion I might have been feeling, what lie was I believing, what was I trying to protect or preserve? I realized that I was not resting and trusting about much of anything in life. I was navigating and steering and I knew exactly what I wanted the outcome to be so I knew how to control a situation. When people talked about freedom, I didn't understand what that meant or looked like. I could pretend I did. I was good at that, but I truly had no idea. Who needs freedom when you control the outcome? Free from what? The bible is littered with people who found strength in their weakness. I think of Samson, he was only strong when he trusted in the Lord. The second he began relying on his own strength he lost, but leaning on the Lord brought him his greatest victory. I remember Abraham and Sarah, he knew it would take a miracle to have a baby. He had to rely on God, on his own it was impossible. I think the key is in recognizing our weakness and then admitting that on our own, there is no strength. The danger comes in feeling a little puffed up and prideful that we know what's best. We can handle it. It will not work. It may work for a time, but it cannot stick. I know for me personally, there have been many times I'm flying along. Everything is clicking so well on my watch that I don't see the wall in front of me I'm about to hit because of self dependency. Worse yet, I don't realize it till I see the carnage and collateral damage around me with nowhere to point the finger, nowhere to place blame but with me. The good news is we can always find a starting point. We have to give ourselves grace and make every effort to remember we fell in-love with Jesus the first time because we realized how much we needed him. We should strive to remember that more often. If we can recognize our weakness, it can bring relief and this elusive thing called freedom. We're no longer striving to manipulate and control because we've given control over to Jesus. A final word, we must not only be willing to see our weakness but we must be grateful for it and thankful to God. In other words, we must find contentment while He works through it with us. The hardest role is to be a willing vessel as we are refined. For me, it has been one of the most emotionally brutal times. My heart has was crushed as I recognized the damage I had done around me, those I loved the most. When we take things in our own hands instead of placing them in the loving hands of our Savior, we are revoking our trust in Him. We are rescinding our belief and we don't fully receive His blessing and love. Not only that we don't fully receive the blessing and love of those around us. So be of great courage friends, it's actually in our greatest times of weakness and need that we realize how much strength we actually have.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power

is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more 

gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

Manna For The Journey- Day 5

Its 9:30 in the morning, slept in. Comfortable start to the morning till I decide to check my phone and realize I missed a text from my son at 6am asking me to call him. I missed another at 6:20 asking for the insurance card and finally one at 9:20 "mom, I'm in the hospital" What?! The first thoughts that run through my head are, "I'm a terrible mother!" "How could I miss those texts?" "What's wrong with him?""It was an accident!""It's life threatening!" Panic flooded my body, like a hurricane that wouldn't cease. My heart felt like it was broken in half with a cavern as deep as the Grand Canyon. I went into survival mode. When I got him on the phone, he began to tell me about terrible pain in his abdomen like nothing he had known before and was throwing up blood. My whole world was collapsing and fast. Thankfully the sweetest angel in my life reminded me I had a choice. I could let the anxiety and fear grip me or I could choose God and grow. Wow. Isn't that what I tell other people? Good stuff. I made a decision to choose the faith that moves mountains. I decided then and there that regardless of the circumstances, I would be unshakeable and immovable. I reminded myself that God is Jake's Father and He loves him more than I do. I thought of Abraham, such a pillar of faith, even when asked to lay his Isaac down. Yes, I will believe. Not only will I believe but I will believe with a grateful heart. The fear subsided and I began to pray and rest in that. I had to press toward the panic instead of allowing it to consume me head first. I decided to utilize what I could do, lean on my sweet angel, enlist the prayer warriors from church and continue to live knowing God is in control. A few hours went by and I spoke with the hospital. The prognosis was better. Probably an intestinal obstruction. He would have to stay a few more days, he'd be sore for a couple days but thankfully it would pass. Relief came over me. I was so grateful. My son's pain would subside. I had to stop for a moment and wonder if it were not such a positive phone call, would I have been grateful anyway? If I love my Father and believe He is always good, could I praise Him in that moment too? Honestly, I can only hope that I would. This experience was very sobering and definitely one to hit the pause button of life. Does my faith move mountains, do I have at least the faith of a mustard seed, not for my own agenda but for God's will regardless of the outcome? The reality is we are loved deeper than we will ever know by a Father that holds our heart when we smile and with every tear thats shed. He celebrates with us, He weeps with us, He even gets angry with us. So please take heart with me, faith is believing in what God can do, not what we have to do for Him to do something.

"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Manna For The Journey- Day 4

When I was a little girl, I remember worrying about two things--when would I be too big to sit in my mother's lap and what would I be when I grow up? Reflecting back, why would a 6 year old even be concerned about her career choice? I guess I wanted to impact the world, but I still longed for the security of my mother's lap. Isn't life like that sometimes? We plan and we set goals and our calendars are filled out through 2015 but we forget to enjoy the moment. We forget to open so many of the little gifts along the way because we're so consumed by the end result. Looking back, I don't really remember much about memories as a kid. Those sweet moments of curling up in my momma's lap were too few and far between. That's why they were so precious to me. I wonder how many experiences, how many people I've overlooked along the way because I was in such a rush to get to the next tent pole in my life? I'm reminded that when Jesus walked this earth, his ministry was only 3 years out of the 33 years He was here. The rest of His time was probably spent among His family, His community, and waiting for the appropriate time. Waiting for the appropriate time...I tend to want to run ahead. I see the destination and forget about the journey. If I'm honest, I even beat myself up for not getting there sooner! What have I failed to see along the way? What have I failed to learn along the way? In our relationships with our loved ones and friends, what have they missed out on because we're so focused on the end result we forget about the right now? My son will be a junior in college this fall. I don't think there's a prouder momma on this earth! But if I could turn back time...I would in a heartbeat. We don't get that luxury. We have to LIVE now. Every moment, every breath waits to be consumed and exhaled, not overlooked. Celebrate the now, live with a grateful heart and regardless of the circumstances, and love those around you as if you're on borrowed time--because we all are.

"This is the day which the Lord has made.

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24

Manna for the Journey- Day 3

Why are we such an impatient culture? When we find something that excites our hearts whether its people or an opportunity or starting a new___________. You fill in this blank with just about anything. We imagine it as it ought to be when all the kinks are out and we forget the beauty of learning the ebbs and flows to it.  Scripturally, I'm reminded that some of the strategies God employs in times of overcoming weren't necessarily the easiest or conventional. In many cases they weren't instantaneous. Think of Moses and the Israelites, 40 years wandering in the desert. Remember, during that time there were signs and wonders. One of the most impressive was their manna. God provided them with just enough food for the day and He told them specifically not to try to store it up for the next day or the next because He knew in their hearts they wouldn't trust him.  Has God ever provided just what you needed for the day?  Did it look like what you wanted it to look like?  Remember manna was like flakes of food, I don't know about you but after wandering for so long I'd be grumpy, whiny and expecting a steak dinner!  This is God for crying out loud!  He can do anything and He chooses to give them flakes.  Be careful not to overlook your manna because your seeing it through a lens of expectation and dare I say it, entitlement. I know I can be like this more times than I care to admit. I've got this great blessing in front of me, just what I need but it doesn't look like what I want and worse yet I don't trust it will be there tomorrow. So, I take over.  I begin to manipulate and control instead of trusting by faith and well...jumping back into the Israelites story....the Lord said don't store up manna lest it will rot! I have sabotaged and made situations in my life much harder for lack of trust, lack of faith, lack of peace. When we try to control and and force experience, we miss out on the gift of learning a graceful flow and rhythm.  We dont have to tell the music to play, it just does.  The minute we begin trying to play conductor for our lives, we miss out on all the amazing symphonies of love and hope that wait for us.

"It is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man."

Psalm 118:8

Manna for the Journey- Day 2

Interesting thing about heartbreak, what keeps us in our pain are the memories both good and bad. We "see", we remember, which leads us to feel. We "see" things around us that remind us of that person, which opens up our wound yet again.  Scripture tells us the eye is the lamp for the body.  If our eye is good, we will be full of light.  If our eye is bad, we will be full of darkness. What we "see" leads to what we feel.  It's also interesting that what Jesus practiced daily was the shema. The Shema begins "Hear O Israel..." I believe to fully hear means to understand, to believe, and finally to obey what we're hearing because we understand and believe. Seeing leaves us too much to interpret on our own.  We draw conclusions based on what we see. The Israelites did not "see" Moses so they built a golden calf they could see. Thomas doubted but longed to Jesus' scars rather than just hear him to know it was indeed him. In dealing with heartbreak, I wonder if we can try to hear that "still small voice" rather than rely on what we see.  That we could learn to put more stock in shema and the shalom that would follow versus attempting to create and force our own path and destiny. What we choose to "see" is what we allow to infiltrate our hearts, either gradually or surreptitiously.  Lets be aware of our lenses to ensure we are filtering through light and not darkness.

"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and 

the message is heard through the word about Christ."

Romans 10:17

Manna for the Journey- Day 1

Though my heart aches and hurts, I will choose to smile.  I will be thankful for those that love me and care for me.  I will bless God for safeguarding me.  I will bless Him because He is the author of my life.
This is a journey. This is a long trip, a voyage. Voyage is an interesting word--it means to travel by water or space.  In our humanness, we are not able to do either of those. We need a vehicle to get us to our next destination. Only God can carry us from place to place. You see, I would naturally want to sit in my hurt.  He wants to lift my head, love me, and show me that there is only rest in Him not in my hurt. Only true rest comes from our loving Father. So many times we want to simply escape the hurt, what God wants us to know is the best voyage is not in finding a new place but in seeing our existing place and future places with new eyes and a healed heart.

"I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart 

and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14