Have you ever thought about how you get home everyday regardless of where you're driving from? It's like we're on autopilot. We can completely zone out in our head thinking about what to fix for dinner, what errands we may have to run, phone calls to return and somehow inevitably before we know it, the garage is going up and we're pulling in. Sometimes I literally could not tell you what kind of car was the last one in front of me. This is how life can be sometimes. We are perpetually on auto pilot. We have our routines. We have our daily practices. We have our habits. The things we like and the things we dislike. What we are for and what we're against. How we say things, how we communicate, how we live. But do we know why we are the way we are? Are we stuck in so many habitual routines because at some point we thought we were done evolving? I don't think we're ever done until God says we're done. Today, I had an epiphany. It was frightening and amazing all at the same time. I realized so many patterns in my life and could trace back the roots of them. Now, it wasn't like all the sudden I'm driving down the road and bam! it hit me. I was intentional about my introspection. I wanted to peel back the layers to see what I found. It's almost like when you finally decide to do a deep cleaning on your house and you actually move the furniture and realize you have dust bunnies larger than a Texas jack rabbit. Yikes! That's what this was like for me. After nearly 41 years of being here on this earth, I decided it was time to take inventory of who I was. The patterns I recognized brought me to the conclusion that I can make changes now or I can go on living the rest of my life in this haze of habit. You see the truth of it is, I have a lot of symptoms of codependency. I can't say I was shocked. I come from a long line of enablers. The most disheartening was having to admit to the devastation of those in my path. I saw love with conditions. I saw fear and the need to control and dare I say it, manipulate, to have the upper hand. I witnessed insecurity and performance based anxiety like an unquenchable thirst that needed to be satisfied. How does it feel? It feels liberating at the same time that it does uncomfortable. The discomfort comes in letting it go. It feels like your shedding skin you've worn for so long. The reality is all those negative aspects of codependency feed off of fear in one form or another. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of being honest because no one will like the real me. Fear of not being needed. Codependents are great problem solvers. Its how we roll. We can come up with solutions all day. It makes us feel better. We're needed. I realized that situations where I actually had to show up and not lead, freaked me out. If I had to be completely vulnerable and trust? Are you kidding me? That is ludicrous! It's insanity! Its the norm for people who know who they are and aren't afraid of who they are. So today, was like someone removing the 41 year old codependent Nora out of my body and introducing her to the new creation thats actually the original design God hardwired. It was so bizarre, but that's what it felt like. I know I have a long road ahead in this part of the journey but its okay I'm actually traveling lighter. You see when God revealed this truth to me, it was as if I traded in a whole set of baggage for just one carry on! I get to fill that carry on with all kinds of positive things and new adventures reflected with new eyes, new ears, and a heart transplant. Life is good and its just beginning…even at 41.
"Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new
creation. The old way of living has
disappeared. A new way of living has
come into existence!"
2 Corinthians 5:17
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